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Coach,
I have a slight problem with the father of one of the kids on my U12 soccer team. Several of the parents on the team have overheard him telling his son not to pass the ball to certain players because they "stink". He is quite vocal about it. I am sure that some of the players have heard this as well. Should I come out and confront him? What are my options?
Coach Mike
Coach Mike,
This is a tough one because sometimes parents, like the rest of us, do not always realize the effects of their words. While giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming that he is trying to be helpful to his son and the team overall (probably a bit of a stretch!) - he is actually making things worse for everyone who hears him. This parent's words are damaging not only to others who may overhear them, but to his own child as well.
Let's take a look at what his word's are doing:
1) For the kids who he is referring: If these children hear this, how do you think the child will feel? Probably embarassed, sad, mad and not very empowered. Often times comments like this make kids feel like they are not part of the team.
2) For the other kids on the team: If these children hear this, how do you think they will treat the kids who supposedly "Stink"? Do you think that they will pass the ball or treat them like equals on the team? They will probably treat them as outcasts. Children often look to parent's examples of what is right and wrong. Them hearing the parent could incorrectly validate their behavior towards these children.
3) For the son: When he hears this, how do you think that he will treat these other kids? Like an equal?
Coaches and parents need to use encouraging words that empower children to do their best. Additionally, they need to realize that there are varying degree of skill levels on the fields - and that each person is out there for the same reason - to have fun.
So here is you attack plan to help solve your issue.
1) Notify your league admin to let them know what is happening and how you plan to handle it first.
2) Send an e-mail to the parents of the team explaining that there have been some discussions about this and how damaging it can be to all people who hear it. Do not single out this person directly but keep it broad and team level based. Ask the parents to re-visit the parents conduct brochure (link here) that you passed out at the beginning of the season. Request that if they witness this behavior in the future that they contact you and it will be held confidential.
3) Address the team and have a quick discussion about inclusion and about being a great teammate. (Click here for some points)
If the problem persists, notify your league admin and request to have an after practice meeting with the parent. It is important to be non-confrontational. Discuss the communication you sent out and ask him what he feels about it. After getting some agreement on how this can be harmful, explain to him that this is some of the behavior that has been witnessed and you would appreciate if he could use his words to empower all kids.
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